Inner demons rear their ugly head!


It’s been a rough 24 hours. I am not going to lie, I have cried more times than I want to admit!

I have a headache/sore throat and my every thought is consumed with “When will I eat?” “What will I eat?” “Where can I get food?” “When can I work-out” and “damn it, I didn’t get my homework work-outs done”.  I am trying to block out all the chatter in my head and replace it with “you did better than yesterday” “you can only do what you can do” “If change was easy everyone would do it and you are NOT everyone else!” “you are a beast – get it done!” and then very loudly ” I AM NO QUITTER”!

To make matters worse, my husband taped the season opener of the Biggest Loser and low and behold this year is all about former athletes who have gained weight post-sport. I was immediately hooked –and that is when brain went to a dark place. I was glued to the screen, crying my ugliest of cries while replaying my very own highlight reel in my head – being reminded of being in peak physical shape, nightmares of over training, thinking about all of the huge sacrifices made by myself/my family, memories of the horrible decisions I made which impacted my focus, feeling proud of my past accomplishments and in the end questioning my decision to walk away from it all.

Why did I stop sport? After having my face re-built twice, breaking both my feet/right ankle, both wrists, 9 out of 10 fingers, 2 concussions + losing my memory for 6 months I figured I should do myself a favour and simply “retire”. So, retirement meant finding something new to obsess over and that became work. I used to work 4 jobs, I would squeak in the odd work-out but it was low on my list and then one day I woke up to find that my size 6 jeans were a distant memory and 12’s were the new staple. WHAT IN SWEET HELL? How did that happen?!





Ok, so I no longer have six pack abs or muscular legs, many wonderful things have happened for me since sport. 1) I met my husband 2) I entered a new family- the broadcasting family,
we are weird, tight knit group and we speak a language full of bizarre abbreviations and 3) a love/passion for cooking.

So here comes my big internal battle – how do I blend my past obsessive life of fitness/sport and present more relaxed life into beautiful harmony? The husband stays – he is much to handsome, smart and awesome to get rid of!

Suggestions welcome!




2 thoughts on “Inner demons rear their ugly head!

  1. Brian Monkman

    Stop beating yourself up.
    You can do it. You are pushing to hard to start.
    Don’t beat yourself up just take it one day at a time.
    Life is never easy, and your challenge just is a different step in life.
    Keep you mind on the topic and stay the course and you will again be successful again.


  2. I think we are all striving for that balance. You can be athletic and relaxed at the same time. Maybe an exercise class, a sport and some yoga incorporated into your routine. And bring the husband along!


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